Dogbert's Top Secret Management Handbook [Scott Adams] on teshimaryokan.info * FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. Behind the closed doors of corporate. I know Dilbert; I read Dilbert; and I reviewed the book, The Dilbert Princi- ple. And Dogbert is no Dilbert. Actual- ly Dogbert's Top Secret Management. Handbook. Dogberts Management Handbook - Ebook download as PDF File .pdf), Text File .txt) or read book DOGBERT'S TOP SECRET MANAGEMENT HANDBOOK.
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TOP SECRET MANAGEMENT HANDBOOK, as told to Scott Adams, author of The. Dilbert Principle This book will teach you the Dogbert Management Method. Behind the closed doors of corporate management lurks a manifesto so devious, so insidious, and of such diabolic power, it has the ability to transform norma. [PDF] Dogbert's Top Secret Management Handbook DOWNLOAD NOW: http://bit .ly/2xN2Gb1 [PDF] Dogbert's Top Secret Management.
As a m a n a g e r you a r e automatically e n d o w e d with special powers to manipulate time. You can't be a psychiatrist. Everyone knows that most b u s i n e s s rumors are true. In this context. This will inspire your e m p l o y e e s to greater effort. Be s u r e to point this out.
That way you get all of the motivational benefits without any of the costs. But it c o s t s you nothing to promise a promotion at s o m e undefined future time. I'm blushing. They eat it up. I won't m a k e a move without consulting you first. They imagine the executive begging them to b e c o m e a special adviser. It w a s nothing. They fantasize about the executive noticing the special twinkle in their e y e and the wisdom of their words.
I w a s thinking we should h a v e a bigger parking lot. That's why a powerful motivational incentive is to promise you'll give your e m p l o y e e s "exposure" to senior m a n a g e m e n t as a reward for doing a good job.
Vice President: My God! That's an incredible idea! I'll order it done. Needless to say. I've got lots of them. E m p l o y e e s believe that c o m p a n y vice presidents a r e unscrupulous. Helloooo Monte Carlo! Only a few s u p e r s t a r s should qualify for the award during the c o u r s e of the year. Believe it or not. It's not a proven connection. The important thing is that you recognize the value of the a t t e n d a n c e.
As a result they will tend to avoid unproductive activities. U s e incentives to limit that behavior. At first glance. As previously noted. This m a n e u v e r is s o m e t i m e s called "empowerment" and it h a s s a v e d corporations billions of dollars in c a s h awards. Remind them that they too might be sick s o m e d a y probably soon. But it's the job of the thrifty m a n a g e r to continually redefine the e m p l o y e e ' s objectives so they include anything a h u m a n can reasonably do.
S o m e e m p l o y e e s might complain about co-workers who crawl into work while shedding g e r m s like a s h e e p d o g shaking off a bubble bath. You don't n e e d to give expensive gifts to motivate good a t t e n d a n c e. This type of incentive will c a u s e people to evaluate all of their actions during the day. Ask your e m p l o y e e s to participate in the creation of their own objectives. Act as adviser emeritus on all important projects. It's a natural p r o c e s s of give-and-take that eventually leads to a well-defined c o n s e n s u s.
Acquire state-of-the-art technology a n d investigate the Internet for strategically important information. Attend trade s h o w s and conventions in sunny. At s o m e future point. Construct a new s a l e s office using only your body as tools.
Most of all—have FUN!! That last objective is there to show that you care. Rather than rewrite the objectives for every little shift in direction.
Discover oil in your cubicle. The new operating system must run under Windows If for s o m e reason you stay in o n e job for too long. Begin by asking the e m p l o y e e s to write their own performance review. T h o s e c o n c e r n s can be eliminated by pretending to care.
By the time the actual review period is up you will be transferred to a n o t h e r group to m a n a g e. This may s e e m irrational to them. He might start updating his r e s u m e right in front of you. Blame the previous m a n a g e r for not giving you any f e e d back a n d s a y you've got a call in. You'll h a v e no idea what they've d o n e all year. And it might s e e m like they're doing your job for you. Don't worry about the e m p l o y e e s you left behind. You won't believe the calm and r e a s s u r e d look you'll get w h e n you tell an e m p l o y e e that his objectives h a v e b e e n adjusted in your mind.
Keep that up until you're transferred again a n d the trail grows cold. They a r e funny that way! You might feel s o m e w h a t trapped by the fact that the e m p l o y e e s will rate t h e m s e l v e s "godlike" on every single objective.
Instruct them to invent s o m e after-the-fact objectives b a s e d on what they actually did and then rate their performance on t h o s e objectives.
Explain that although their p e r f o r m a n c e is indeed impressive. But rather than deal with the philosophical question. At that point the e m p l o y e e s will be seriously questioning w h e t h e r you're worth all the oxygen you're c o n s u m i n g on earth. That would s e e m to indicate a big pay increase. Explain that although they e x c e e d e d their objectives. Your policy is to reward only the people who "make a difference.
You h a v e two strategies for foiling them: In reality. You must u s e your a w e s o m e p o w e r s of persuasion to m a k e them think the environment is a predictable fixed point and only their p e r f o r m a n c e is variable. But as you might h a v e noticed. It would be nice if e m p l o y e e s would work at their maximum level of p e r f o r m a n c e without any prodding.
The three keys to obtaining higher e m p l o y e e productivity a r e 1. Mandatory unpaid overtime. The other diver is motivated by the fear of being e a t e n. I don't m e a n to imply that you can achieve higher productivity simply by creating a slogan. If you don't go the extra mile. O n e diver is motivated by a desire to be the best shark avoider he can be. So the point of my story is that if you want productivity.
But if s h a r k s won't work for you b e c a u s e of s o m e ethical consideration or other. But don't refer to it as unpaid overtime. You can r e d u c e t h o s e unproductive periods by forcing them to work unpaid overtime. It's a fine line. Dementia is similar to creativity but without the e x p e n s e of art supplies.
Employees might seem to be more creative when they work long hours. If an e a r is pierced several times. That's good. Creativity can c a u s e no end of trouble in your company. Refer to it as a "commitment to professionalism" or s o m e other noble-sounding n a m e. But if an e a r is missing entirely. If you hate your employees, or if you want them to resign without a s e v e r a n c e p a c k a g e , let them know by sending them to mandatory team-building exercises.
Team building is more than just a way to r e d u c e h e a d count. This cuts down on meetings, thus improving productivity. The best solution is to promise to remove o b s t a c l e s and later s a y that you tried but s o m e b o d y didn't return your calls.
This won't be easy. You can improve motivation by offering to "remove obstacles" that block the e m p l o y e e s ' s u c c e s s.
And any problems that aren't your fault tend to be so large that you couldn't fix them if you tried. It is not motivating to respond by beating them with a knickknack from your c r e d e n z a.
Great minds think alike! They will insist on sharing t h e s e i d e a s with you. Offer c a s h rewards for i d e a s so the e m p l o y e e s will feel like part of the family assuming they c o m e from a family of prostitutes. Thank you for your suggestion. You c a n call the program the "Employee Suggestion Plan" to disguise your true intent. When o n e of your lazy e m p l o y e e s a s k s you to set priorities, it is a devious trick to avoid doing whatever you rank lowest.
You can thwart that transparent m a n e u v e r by ranking all a s s i g n m e n t s as top priorities. Later, if an a s s i g n m e n t doesn't get done, you can blame the employee for not working on the highest priorities. It's that simple. If the lazy e m p l o y e e whines that priorities should be ranked differently, you can smooth t h o s e ruffled f e a t h e r s by becoming noticeably angry. If you're male, reach below your d e s k and s q u e e z e your testicles until your f a c e b e c o m e s flushed and your e y e s bulge.
If you're female, think about the fact that the male m a n a g e r s are sitting at their d e s k s s q u e e z i n g their testicles a n d getting paid more than you are; the result will be similar.
If your employees think you're less effective than a cardboard hammer, you can correct that misperception through a technique called "micromanagement. They n e e d your help! Pitch in to give your e m p l o y e e s helpful guidance on every little thing they do, from paragraph indentation to complex microchip design theory.
That gives the e m p l o y e e time to fully appreciate your contribution. But if you can't find any obvious errors. It's unprofessional. Micromanagement is especially effective when applied to your e m p l o y e e s ' written work. S e e if you can thicken them. In this context. Micromanagement can also be applied to technical decisions. You can u s e your superior education. Micromanagement is risk free as long as you have the power to assign blame to the innocent.
In our hypothetical situation the e m p l o y e e might complain bitterly that your unfamiliarity with the subject matter is causing you to m a k e bad decisions.
Let's say. And let's s a y that you almost graduated from Ernie's College-o-Rama with a d e g r e e in art history. But you can quickly dissipate the tension through a p r o c e s s called intimidation. If your galactic i n c o m p e t e n c e e n d s up micromanaging a perfectly good project into a s w a m p. Make s u r e that you point out how urgent the a s s i g n m e n t is a n d that it's already past due.
Then let it sit on your desk for another week. S o m e t i m e s you won't have any pressing problems in your department—at least n o n e that you're choosing to acknowledge. It's that final week of aging that m a k e s all the difference. Your d e s k is an excellent place to "age" work that isn't d u e for a few w e e k s. To get the full effect. Another good way to c r e a t e a false s e n s e of urgency is to e x a g g e r ate the capabilities of your competitors.
W h e n this situation arises. You can remedy that situation by creating a false s e n s e of urgency. This will inspire your e m p l o y e e s to greater effort.
No matter how stupid and ineffective your competitors are. Clothes you don't own. The corporate definition of casual h a s three related parts. Clothes that m a k e you look neither attractive nor professional. Clothes that m a k e your a s s look flat. Blue jeans. As any s e a s o n e d investor knows. If your e m p l o y e e s normally wear "business" clothes. Hackneyed sayings s u c h as "knowledge is power.
At worst. Although there a r e no scientific studies to support the connection b e t w e e n forbidden clothing a n d total economic collapse. At best.. Hackneyed sayings are the foundation upon which we can apply logic. When it c o m e s to competition. Tell them to "work it out. And when you h a v e everything. And since we know that we only hurt the o n e s we love. It's a good idea to establish a reputation for being quirky a n d irrational a h e a d of time. If the wimpy c o m p a n i e s in your industry don't give you as much as you n e e d.
I r e c o m m e n d biting the h e a d off an intern in front of witnesses. When you m a k e people beg it hurts their pride. To summarize this chain of logic: When the two e m p l o y e e s realize what you've done. The two competing e m p l o y e e s will quickly realize that their salaries d e p e n d on thwarting the other a n d being the first to complete the task.
Everyone knows that most b u s i n e s s rumors are true. People h a v e thrived under t h e s e conditions well into their fifties. A good way to start a rumor is by denying it. At first blush. But in fact. The b e s t way to m a k e your denied rumor a p p e a r true is to slip in a detail that you really wouldn't know if the rumor w e r e false.
When they're alert they realize what you're doing to them a n d they resist. In other words. They will start to fight like drunken pit bulls in a traffic accident. If an e m p l o y e e later tries to implicate you. But it's not all good news. Communicating Give verbal instructions.
If you continue this practice consistently. Look for t h e s e warning signs. So it should be no surprise that having a d e p a r t m e n t full of lunatics might h a v e a downside risk. The newsletter is an effective way to fill the communication gap without imparting any information.
If employees are unmotivated. A newsletter is an efficient method for mana g e m e n t to "get the m e s s a g e out" about the priorities of the company. Select a m e m b e r of your staff who h a s no valuable job skills a n d put that person in c h a r g e of creating a newsletter. T h e newsletter-writing task can be a d d e d on top of any existing job description. You could h a v e a Question and Answer section in your newsletter that g o e s like this: Employees often whine about a lack of communication from senior management.
I noticed that profits are down 70 percent. Layoffs are the last thing we want to do. Is the c o m p a n y considering layoffs? Correct motivating r e s p o n s e: Incorrect demotivating r e s p o n s e: All other options will be explored before we even consider layoffs. That can s o m e t i m e s be at o d d s with your desire to k e e p them in the dark a n d continue shoveling work on them.
This part of the meeting h a s no value to the employe e s. E m p l o y e e s n e e d lots of communication to remain motivated. It's a good idea to m a k e them sit in a room together for up to 10 percent of their total productive life focusing their e n e r g i e s on the following vital topics.
Reiterate the things that e m p l o y e e s h a v e already heard through other c h a n n e l s. You can count on at least one member of your group to ask endless "clarifying" questions on e a c h subject. It prevents your e n e m i e s from getting any work done. Anytime you can give the a p p e a r a n c e of teamwork while making coworkers look bad. Give e a c h e m p l o y e e an opportunity to d r o n e endlessly about uninteresting job-related problems.
Your staff might try to trick you into talking a b o u t things that matter to them. Simply remind them of the competitive environment and tell them it's "business as usual. It's quite natural a n d no r e a s o n to be alarmed. If you h e a r a rattling sound. T h e s e topics a r e demotivating by their very nature and they should be avoided. The best way to know if a topic is suitable for your presentation is to s a y it aloud a n d listen for an involuntary "Duh!
Deny having any information about t h e s e subjects. The key to presenting information you don't understand is to try to limit the presentation to a few a r e a s that a r e so boring and obvious that your a u d i e n c e will be a b s o r b e d with t h o u g h t s of a s s i s t e d suicide yours a n d they won't h a v e time to dwell on your lack of knowledge. They might try to convince you otherwise. You're a manager. If you don't feel like giving verbal instructions.
As a m a n a g e r it is sufficient to "think" what you want and wait for your e m p l o y e e s to implement it. Document their communication failures so you can refer to them during the next p e r f o r m a n c e review cycle.
As a m a n a g e r you will be getting paid much more than the people who report to you. But logically. The only possible explanation for your lack of c o m p r e h e n s i o n is that the d o c u m e n t s a r e put together by s o m e o n e who h a s poor communication skills.
Be s u r e to point this out. Communication is a two-way street. Success Strategies It's rare. At this point you might think the e m p l o y e e would recognize "your" idea as his or her own a n d protest. Everyone else is already doing it. Then let the good idea a g e for a while. Call the e m p l o y e e into your office and explain the idea in detail as though your previous conversation had never h a p p e n e d. You can reject the idea using o n e of t h e s e time-tested p i e c e s of logic.
If it's s u c h a good idea. An hour is good. It's too late. W h e n that h a p p e n s you must first reject the idea and then later claim it as your own.
But experience s h o w s that the. If you a r e victimized by that s c a m. That's much more effort than the alternative that works just as well: Your stature as a leader grows primarily through the p r o c e s s of getting lots of attention.
But if you screw up a h u g e project. They're busy screwing up things to e n h a n c e their own careers. Try to ignore them. And lots of it. You'll be the obvious choice—the person who knows what pitfalls to avoid. Being linked with epic failures s o u n d s bad. Your first line of d e f e n s e is logic. And don't worry that t h o s e senior m a n a g e r s will scrutinize this decision too closely. In the short term it c a u s e s missed work.
Try to talk your e m p l o y e e s out of taking training c l a s s e s by using this bulletproof argument: I didn't n e e d any training to do this job. Training can lead to no good. Everyone else will either be busy or unknown.
The employe e s will point to the training budget as justification for their futile requests.
Nobody wins when that h a p p e n s. Your e m p l o y e e s will often whine about the n e e d for training. But even as you work to eliminate the s c o u r g e of training.
When the training budget d i s a p p e a r s. Try it—it really works! And that m e a n s increased productivity. Sign yourself up for trips to exotic locations to "attend workshops" and "visit with customers. T h e most efficient way to implement an e m p o w e r m e n t program is to h a v e meetings w h e r e you punish people for the decisions they m a d e while at the s a m e time encouraging people in the group to think for t h e m s e l v e s.
Don't worry that all this f u s s about diversity will m a k e it impossible to openly discriminate against other people. You can still do that. If you're a narrow-minded bigot—and I'm g u e s s i n g that you a r e — you can disguise that fact by supporting the c o m p a n y ' s plan for diversity. That would be a lot of work. What you can do is accept the parts of the recommendation you like collect employee input and discard the rest the part about making changes.
You'll get half the benefits of the consultant's advice but without the hassles. If you're an imbecile. S o m e t i m e s you have to move it in the other direction. That's also a good time to replace the batteries in your s m o k e detector at home. Another Tip: Don't move the clock o n e hour in the s a m e direction every time you c h a n g e it. Any more than that a n d it will a p p e a r random. Any less than that and it will m a k e you look like you don't have a plan. A handy way to remind yourself when to reorganize is to do it at the s a m e time of y e a r that you adjust the clocks by an hour.
To the ignorant observer. It is your job to explain the obvious benefits of the move: Improve communication a m o n g co-workers who have totally unrelated jobs! The e m p l o y e e s will whine and c u r s e about the loss of productivity during this time.
Reorganizations give you an excellent r e a s o n to m a k e the employe e s move their p o s s e s s i o n s to identical cubicles a few feet away. During your tenure as manager. If it's on a coffee mug. You should require lots of both.
Otherwise people will think you're cynical. Give that person a title like "Manager of Excellence in C u s t o m e r Care. They will try to redefine whatever they're doing as part of the Excellence in Customer C a r e program. Call the m e a s u r e m e n t s "metrics" so the whole thing doesn't look stupid. If you have no idea how to do anything useful at your company. T h e s e a r e all good things for your career.
This is an important market s e g m e n t. With any luck. Stock market analysts like it when two clueless. Dick nudist camps Hertz Dick rental cars office equipment circumcisions. Other e x a m p l e s of leveraging synergies: You can parry any thrust by using the following r e s p o n s e s to their p l e a s for more money. Give me a raise. Go away. Compensation 5. How would you like to be a t e a m leader?
I'm paid less than the industry a v e r a g e. You can increase your bonus by making it impossible for your subordin a t e s to get b o n u s e s of their own. Most subordinates will s e e right through this subterfuge and b e c o m e angry and bitter. There are two main ways to do this: That's basic economics. Link subordinates' b o n u s e s to goals that can be easily thwarted by your single-minded drive to b e c o m e a leader via the p r o c e s s of screwing up gigantic projects.
This is known as good budget control and it is always rewarded. Link subordinates' b o n u s e s to goals so far in the future that the earth will first be destroyed by a rogue asteroid.
Loss of squalid shelter known as "home. I don't m e a n o b s c e n e in the s e n s e that the expresidents shown on the currency aren't wearing any p a n t s — e v e n though they aren't—I m e a n o b s c e n e in the s e n s e that there's a lot of money involved. Risk of being hit by lightning while golfing. Risk of being revealed as an empty suit. Risk that nobody will do C P R on you. In contrast. That should satisfy them.
It's like printing your own money. But amazingly. You can too. Getting Rid of Employees G o v e r n m e n t s are not the only o n e s who can print money. It's economical too. You can s a v e money on layoffs by being so unpleasant that people quit without qualifying for any separation package.
But it can be very entertaining to torment employees until they quit on their own. E m p h a s i z e the fact that s o m e of the happiest people alive a r e jobless. That would m a k e many people happy. But think about it. Employee turnover can be a healthy thing. As with all harmful activities. T h e r e ' s no logical limit to that. It g e t s rid of highly paid malcontents a n d i n f u s e s the c o m p a n y with a healthy d o s e of bargain-priced.
To e n s u r e a robust turnover. You also n e e d stock options. How to Be a Happy Manager Money can't turn you into a happy m a n a g e r. Gradually chip away at your e m p l o y e e s ' perks a n d benefits until they h a v e nothing left but their human dignity.
Combine sick d a y s with vacation d a y s and call it a "time bank. But luckily there's no logical limit to how much you can humiliate the e m p l o y e e s.
T h e n start chipping on that. Monitor Internet u s a g e. Ban decorations on cubicle walls. Cut training a n d travel budgets.
Ban microwaved popcorn. Depending on the profitability of your company. Grab more loot for yourself. Eliminate internal promotions. You can't expect to get it all at once. R e d u c e the size of cubicles. Start an "Employee of the Month" program. You can disguise your true intent by pretending to give them something that c o m p e n s a t e s for their losses.
Although the e m p l o y e e s are not terribly bright. Assign the whiner to "fix" the problem in his "spare time" without "spending money. But realistically. Your only options a r e to ignore the e m p l o y e e s or to punish them. Punish your whiners with any of the following methods.
Put the whiner on a task force with people who whine even more. You could even learn to enjoy it. Make the whiner the chairperson of the Morale Committee. Take every opportunity to improve your personal h a p p i n e s s at the e x p e n s e of your inherently disgruntled workforce.
They a r e constantly trying to innovate. Everybody wins. Obviously you h a v e to get rid of the good people as s o o n as possible or they will m a k e you miserable. They a r e largely harmless.
The magic of the program is that it pinpoints the good e m p l o y e e s with laserlike efficiency. Bad e m p l o y e e s bumble through the day. Not all secretaries a r e born bitter and resentful.
S o m e t i m e s your professional staff will not be nearby w h e n you feel like abusing your power. This program offers large c a s h payouts to e m p l o y e e s who a r e willing to resign. After a RIF. But it's worth it. You h a v e to train them to be like that. That's why you h a v e a secretary. You might h a v e to pay them to leave. If you are a seller for this product, would you like to suggest updates through seller support?
Drawing from his years of experience tormenting Dilbert and advising his boss, our Machiavellian mutt uses pithy essays, illustrated by scores of comic strips, to teach neophyte managers such potent practices as: The power of verbal instructions: Sound like a boss while maintaining complete deniability!
Empty promises of promotion: Pretending to care: Learn how to hear without listening! Inspire employees by giving them worthless knickknacks! Read more Read less. Frequently bought together.
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Page 1 of 1 Start over Page 1 of 1. Scott Adams. Kind of the Story of My Life. The Dilbert Future: Thriving on Business Stupidity in the 21st Century. Win Bigly: About the Author Scott Adams is the creator of Dilbert, the comic strip that now appears in 1, newspapers worldwide.
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Write a customer review. Read reviews that mention scott adams management handbook top secret dogbert top comic strip dilbert comic dilbert principle secret management funny text advice laugh humor managers view boss employees boring corporate hilarious. Top Reviews Most recent Top Reviews. There was a problem filtering reviews right now. Please try again later. Paperback Verified Purchase. Working on my 3rd decade in Federal service, and having a wife who is also a long-term Federal employee, at last I understand why government operates as it does.
This book is not describing the workings of a Federal agency; it is clearly the textbook followed by all Federal agencies when developing their policies and operational procedures. I began reading a selection from this book out loud to my wife, who was in another room.
She had not the slightest idea what it was I was reading to her. I asked her what she thought when I was finished, and she hollered back, "What is that? Is that a draft for the updated manager's manual? I have read countless operations bulletins over the years that used some of the language in this book almost verbatim. In fact, and again, I am not making this up, when setting up certain of our computers at work for speech recognition capability, several pages of this book have been selected as source reading material to teach the software to recognize specific user speech patterns.
It is sorely tempting to suppose there is also an ulterior motive to imbue the readers with certain expectations as to the conduct of management. This is a 5 star read, highly recommended for those times when you need a little cheering up, or when you wish to plumb the otherwise incomprehensible source for Federal policies and practices. At the next presidential debate, observe carefully and you just might see a little red and white corner of a book peeking out of some jacket pockets.
Apparently, Dilbert makes for good debate prep, too. If you are familiar with the Dilbert cartoon, then you know Scott Adams' ability to skewer modern business organizations. This book mostly consists of text organized in little easy-to-understand bits, just like a real business book.
This satirical text is illustrated with Dilbert cartoons. Of course it's funny, and if you like Dilbert, you'll enjoy it. What makes the book really work, though, is that it's actually loaded with good management advice. When the book came out, I was an object of management and enjoyed the book as making fun of the people above me in a large organization.
Now I'm a low-level perpetrator of management and I find this to be a really good source of "what not to do. One person found this helpful. This book starts off well and has its humorous moments but tends to get too wordy later on and thus boring. I didn't even want to finish it past the first third of text with cartoons.
Does seem to portray those managerial quirks many of us know narcissistic managers exhibit. But unless you have lots of free reading time, you might not want to read the entire text. So I bought this book because I was having one of "those" weeks at work and thought well what a pick-me-up.